Seems silly to me now, thinking family was a never-ending circle of love and support. Family can crush you to the core as they know you best and at times they even seem to take pleasure in squashing your hopes and dreams. They can take your smallest fault, and turn it into a mountain of which you will be forever shamed for.
I was leaning against the counter in my kitchen, browsing social media on my phone, enjoying the aroma of a 20 lb buttery turkey roasting in the oven. It was Thanksgiving day and I was preparing a meal for 8 as close friends of my family were visiting with their children in order to spend the holiday with me, my husband and our two youngest. We lived on an acreage at the time and my husband and I had a friendly competition going on who can prepare the best turkey so he was outside in the garage trying to deep fry yet another 20 lb turkey in 65km/hour winds. We would have enough turkey to feed a small army by the end of the day. I still believe my turkey won...
As I slowly scrolled through tons of people’s social feeds, a particular post caught my eye. It was my big sister and I was tagged. Most likely another joke or cartoon as she loved to post silly things regarding me being the baby of the family. As I opened the post to read further, I quickly realized this was no joke. I was being attacked and belittled by my own sister.
My own family, my flesh and blood were apparently in a rage over me not being able to attend Thanksgiving at her home in the city due to us having company. She was going to make sure the world knew I was a horrible person for choosing friends over family. The post read like a horror novel, something you would read if you were reading a letter from a mother to the murderer of her child. So much hate. So much anger. Over Thanksgiving dinner?
This was not the first time my sister and I had come to verbal blows throughout the course of our lives, however, this was completely out of the norm. A public attack over dinner was uncalled for, unnecessary and more than a shock. Where was all this anger coming from?
Ever since I was a young child, my sister always accused my mother of loving me more. She always felt I was the perfect child who had the perfect life and on several occasions allowed her jealous streak to shine through. I am not perfect. I have failed more times than I can count. Failed as a mother, failed as a wife, failed as a human being. I have cheated, stolen, lied and hurt the ones I love the most, so why would anyone be jealous of me? I feel she always thought I looked down on her for choices in her life, however, I always looked up to her. I have seen her go through the worst of times and whenever she fell, she got back up and tried again. She taught me to be strong through the hardships of life. To focus on the good and to never give up.
Anger boiled up inside as I read through my sister’s angry words. She must be drunk. Nothing else explains how a family member could write such demeaning words about someone they claim to love. In her words, “I was now a drug addict and alcoholic who will throw her children away. I was a spoiled brat who only cared about herself and was going to make sure our mother only loved me. I was evil and I will die alone as that is all I deserve.”
What in the hell!
The anger and hurt coursing through my veins were enough to make anyone explode. Why? Why is she saying all these lies over a family dinner? Why would she bring my children into this? Why would she publicly post such hate and lies towards me over something so minor? Why would someone who claims to love me with all her heart decide to drag my name through the mud? Not even mud...through a never cleaned cow stall reeking of manure and urine after years of neglect. From love one moment to wishing I would die alone is not how a family is supposed to treat one another.
It was at that moment I realized family is never what you hope it is. She is my big sister. She is supposed to protect me and we are to support each other not tear each other apart. I had to let her go. In my mind, from that day forward I no longer had a big sister. Let go of toxic people in your life is what the psychologists recommend right, but how do you let go of your sister?
It has been 4 years now since that day. Christmas is fast approaching and my sister is still on my mind. Over the years she has emailed me on several occasions, sometimes offering different excuses as to her behavior that day and sometimes saying she hopes I burn in hell. Most I have not responded to as I am trying to not only to let her go but not encourage a back and forth exchange of angry words. Yet sometimes I admit her words got the best of me and I had to reply. The latest of which she stated I was trashing her to other members of our family. It could not have been less true as I do not even speak of her to anyone. So I responded in frustration as I am tired of hearing lies. Tired of receiving emails in the middle of the night telling me I am a horrible person for not forgiving her. Tired of the hurt. Tired of so much anger.
I reminded her that she is no more a part of my life. She no longer knows who I am or how I choose to live and frankly does not show that she ever knew who I truly was. I asked her to live her life and I will live mine and to never contact me again. I also pointed out that I no longer worry if she spreads hate and lies about me to others, as anyone who truly knows me today, would know they are all falsehoods. And I said good-bye.
I love my sister. I always have. She was the only one of my siblings who played with me often when I was little even though we were 8 years apart in age. She came to my school to threaten the bullies when they would not leave me alone in elementary. She gave me my first beer. Taught me to draw, although I would never be as talented as she is. She taught me so much when I was little and I will always appreciate everything she has done for me. She was my big sis and I adored her.
I will never stop thinking of her. I will always wish her the best and never hope for harm to come her way. I will be pleasant when I see her at family occasions as you would to a stranger you meet on the street. I forgave her a long time ago. However, I will never have her in my life again.
She is toxic.
I miss the memory of who my big sister was. We are not the same people we were back then and sadly my family has become smaller because of it. Sometimes letting go is the best thing for your emotional well-being, but that doesn’t make it any easier to do.
Written by: Bobbi-Lynne McGarry
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